Another day, another outlet posting about not eating beans before flights. It’s a little old, don’t you think? Actually, that’s rather rude of me because the group that made the post is AARP, the advocacy group for retired people that also sounds like the noise a seal makes. They posted “10 Foods to Avoid Before Flying” back in March 2013 (although my Mom just sent me the link on Monday… Mom! Stay current!) and it’s filled with the same advice you get in all of these articles: don’t eat beans, stay away from soda, eating cheeseburgers is a bad idea. Perhaps they want to tell us to wear clothing on the flight, too? Or purchase a ticket before attempting to fly? Seriously. These articles are so basic, they drive me crazy. That’s why I got inspired to write a better version. Here are 7 truly surprising foods to avoid before flying.

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Moose Spleen

Everyone knows that moose spleen is a tasty treat if you’re going caribou hunting all day, but if you’re flying with Nanook from Anchorage to Miami, save the moose spleen for another time. The oils in the spleen will cause you to spontaneously vomit all over the other passengers and that’s not fun for anyone.

Raw, Hot Garbage

I get it. It’s free. You don’t have to spend money eating at those pricey airport restaurants if you just pick leftovers out of the trash, but let’s be real. Somebody’s going to see you doing it and then they’re going to call you a trash monster and then you’re going to get all upset and start crying with garbage ketchup stains all over your mouth. It’s not going to be a good look. Leave the raw, hot garbage alone and eat a napkin instead.

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Ribs

Look, I love ribs as much as the next guy, but when you’re busting out a whole slab before your flight, things are bound to get messy. Besides, those cute little beagles that sniff your luggage for drugs will go absolutely bonkers and start gnawing on the bones. It’ll create a mini-riot and the whole airport will shut down. If you eat ribs before your flight, you’re going to miss your flight.

Beans

The number one food to avoid in Fran Golden’s AARPticle is beans. She says to “avoid anything that can cause excess gas to build up in your stomach.” I say you should avoid beans you’ve clearly gone crazy if you ordered beans as your meal. It sounds like ol’ Franny’s remembering the Depression Era. Who orders beans these days? If do, it’ll go something like this:

• Your server: “The steak is an excellent choice, ma’am. And for you, sir?”
• You: “I’ll have the beans.”
• Your server: “Those are intended specifically for our hobo guests, sir.”

If you’re ordering just beans anywhere, you’ve got problems, son.

Pets

You disgust me.

Full Matchbooks

Trust me, you don’t want to be the person on the plane spontaneously combusting. Everyone else is enjoying Madagascar 2 and there you are in coach completely on fire. It’s embarrassing. I know from experience.

Six to Eight Pounds of Cheese

Raise your hand if you love cheese. You can’t see me, but my hand is definitely raised real high. I love cheese so much, but there’s a limit. A pound of cheese? Go for it. Two pounds? Sure thing. When you get up to six to eight pounds of cheese, though, you’re going to have some gastrointestinal problems and those airplane bathrooms aren’t equipped to handle emergencies like that.

Please keep this list of surprising foods to avoid handy the next time you fly. Your life depends on it.