For Part One of this Room Service Review, click here. To quickly recap: I just stayed at the all-inclusive Sandals Regency La Toc in St. Lucia where I started off my visit with a very standard Caesar salad and followed it up the next morning with my favorite room service breakfast: smoked salmon on a bagel. The portions were super small for each order, but my next order would be my most ambitious yet…

That night, I decided to really put both my butler and the room service kitchen to the test and before I left for dinner (at the AWESOME Coal Pot), I put in a massive order. A Club Sandwich minus the turkey and egg (aka a BLT), a piece of “Caribbean-inspired chocolate fudge cake” with caramel dipping sauce, and New York cheesecake with papaya compote. A meal fit for a king! Or a fat kid! Or a honeymooning couple or something.

When I returned to my room, it was all waiting for me on my coffee table. A photo to get you in the mood…

Okay. Let’s start with the modified BLT. Apparently I should have told them to definitely include mayo because even though I thought a Club Sandwich would absolutely have mayo on it, that was not the case.

This was a dumb sandwich. The bacon was floppy. The tomatoes were mealy. The lettuce was, like the Caesar, just lettuce. The only good thing was the grilled bread (sourdough, perhaps?) and even that was a let-down because it had been eagerly awaiting my return to the room and lost any semblance of heat. That was my fault though. In any case, I took a few bites and said goodbye to the sad little BLT.

I won’t even really get into the chocolate cake. It was just plain bad. No flavor, bad texture, bad bad bad.

To end on a high note, however, the cheesecake was amazing. Creamy and just sweet enough, I liked it so much that the whole piece was gone in seconds. Great graham-crackery crust, too. I didn’t care much for the papaya compote (which is more of an aspirational description than anything else), but why quibble when the main event was so satisfying?

If I ever make it back to Sandals here in St. Lucia or anywhere else — let’s face it, they’re probably all the same — I’ll know to hit the cheesecake again and again while acknowledging the literal shortcomings of pretty much everything else. Room service at an all-inclusive resort is only as good as the pride the resort takes in the food and when the resort names itself after footwear, you have to expect that the size of their shrimp isn’t going to be much concern to them at all. If quantity is your thing, book a trip to Sandals ASAP. If consistent quality in your room service food is more your speed, you’re probably better off heading somewhere else.

(Note: like pretty much all of my trips, this one was a hosted press trip and my wallet was only opened to tip for service as the rest of the visit was totally free. As you can surmise from the tone of the review, however, it’s completely unbiased.)