This tweet (and subsequent tweets) just lit the entire internet on fire:
1) A @united gate agent isn’t letting girls in leggings get on flight from Denver to Minneapolis because spandex is not allowed?
— Shannon Watts (@shannonrwatts) March 26, 2017
Whoa whoa whoa, Internet! It seems like we’ve got a pretty significant controversy on our hands. Gary from View from the Wing already weighed in, as has Ben from One Mile at a Time, and while everyone else parses what did or did not happen when a few leggings-clad minors tried to board a United plane, I want to get ahead of the story.
There will be moments in all of our lives when corporate rules try to dictate how we’re supposed to behave. United claims that these passengers were on a non-revenue generating United Pass which made them subject to a dress code, to which I say “so what?” We are humans, one and all; sentient beings with brains that make choices on how to adorn our bodies. Just because United offered free tickets to some kids doesn’t mean they own their souls. Which I why I’ve come up with some pretty easy ways to show United that they can’t just boss us around. Pick your favorite and stick it to the man, man.
Go Full Body
Oh, they think a couple of pairs of leggings are bad? What are they going to do when you try to board in a full body suit? They can’t see your eyes. They can’t see your mouth. But they can definitely see the outline of every part of your body. Contract of carriage? CARRY THIS, UNITED! They’ll be so terrified of what lurks underneath the lycra that they’ll shut down the entire terminal.
T-Rex Their Boarding Process
What’s the opposite of showing too much skin? Showing nothing at all. If you’re not into the full body suit idea, how about showing up at the gate as a TYRANNOSAURUS REX?!?! I’m willing to bet that they don’t have any restrictions against dinosaurs (perhaps a pet policy?), so get yourself a t-rex costume and head for the Exit Rows because even though your t-rex arms are tiny, you’re going to need a little extra legroom.
They may not be okay with a single pair of leggings, but what about multiple pairs of leggings on top of each other? Just how many leggings does it take to equal a pair of pants? Start with two and see if they let you on board. If you strike out with two, just add a layer. Sure, you may not be able to walk as all of that spandex forms together to restrict your movement, but at least you’re making a point.
Start Your Own Airline
They say that if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em. So go ahead and start your own airline. Call it Leggings Air. Make it the first ever LEGGINGS-REQUIRED airline! “No leggings, no service.” That’s your new slogan! All of the flight attendants have to wear branded leggings and all of the in-flight drinks are served in plastic cups shaped like leggings. You’ll be a trillionaire in no time!
It’s not the sexy option, but the one place where you can travel wearing just about whatever you’d like is in your own car. It may take longer (like much, much longer), but when you’re cruising down the interstate in just a thong and a pair of sunglasses, you can be proud that you’re living exactly the life you want to be living, even if that life is now filled with more gas station stops and traffic than you ever imagined as you caravan from New York to LA in just under four days. It could be worse. You could be walking. You know what’s really comfortable for walking, though? Leggings.