In Defense of the Bidet

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If you’ve ever traveled to Asia, there’s a good chance you’ve experienced the glory of the bidet. I used a bidet for the first time a few years back and I’m hooked. In fact, I was so impressed that I bought one for my home toilet. I even bought one for my dad. My review: IT’S TOTALLY AWESOME. Now, you might be asking yourself if you really want to be reading about some dude’s bathroom habits. I’m pretty sure you do. Don’t worry — nobody knows how much you think about your own pooping. Just rest assured that everyone thinks about it all the time. It’s the great secret of humanity.

So why am I even talking about bidets in the first place? I just saw a story that officials from the Japanese toilet industry have decided to standardize symbols on a bidet.


Now, I don’t know Japanese, but the symbols are clear enough that I’m able to translate. The first two symbols clearly indicate that you can summon a tornado of various sizes. The next two are about closing and opening the lid — duh. On the bottom row, the first one on the left means you can turn your poop into a solid block, which is convenient if you need to mail it. The second on the bottom seems like standard water spray action, but the third is clearly meant to indicate a geyser shooting a woman into the air. Great for amusement parks and oppressive foreign regimes. Finally, the last one on the bottom row makes me the most excited: it’s a standardized button to make bacon. Some people may think making bacon in a toilet is gross or offensive, but those people need to really open their minds.

My sincere congratulations to the Japanese toilet professionals who put this standardized guide together. They’re the real MVPs.

I’m doing my best to become America’s foremost bidet advocate. I even wrote a column about my bidet-love in Organic Spa Magazine. They’re clean, efficient, and environmentally friendly. If you want to get in on some life-changing bidet action, pick one up on Amazon and tell me how it goes in the comments. It’s literally one of my favorite topics.

And just in case you’re a bidet enthusiast like myself, you may enjoy this clip. The whole subject reminds me of this scene from the ’90s action movie Demolition Man (watch until :48):

They’re talking about bidets, right?

Lead image via



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